I don’t have a good gpa. I haven’t since the end of my freshman year. I never intended on getting into grad schools because I wanted to get out as quickly as possible. I wasn’t the high school senior who looked forward to getting out of the house, and being on her own for the first time. I didn’t dread it, but I wasn’t exactly giddy. Nevertheless, I had a chance to face my course load head on, get socially acceptable grades, graduate early and get my master’s in 4 years; I pissed away that opportunity. 

I hadn’t experienced anxiety to a point where I couldn’t focus on anything for an extended period of time until the beginning of my sophomore year. Every time I sat down to do my work, my heartbeat was irregular, and my eyes fluttered across the page. It was an overwhelming experience, so I did what any person without the aid of drugs would do, I stopped. I returned to the desk hopeful that whatever it was that was eliciting this kind of response would stop. Needless to say, it didn’t. I didn’t add it to my long list of things because up until 12 am on August 27th, 2021, it was okay to do just enough. I didn’t have to struggle through more for something as trivial as a grade.  I am fully capable of comprehending things, and I have been throughout my primary, secondary and careers, so my excuse isn’t a question of ability. 

I am slated to graduate in December, so approximately 98 days. I will be walking across the stage concluding my undergraduate career. These last three and  a half years have been war, and this diploma will be a declaration of peace. I may have also pissed away real-world opportunities as my person so candidly shared with me the night I received an email discussing my academic probation. In the college of Liberal Arts, you are to maintain at least a 2.0 in a given semester, and if you don’t you will be sent an **URGENT** email while you’re laying on the couch after a day of tears, flights, and racing thoughts. You are required to finish the proceeding semester with a 2.0, complete a couple of questionnaires, and schedule a meeting to create an academic success plan or you will be asked to leave the University. 

I take full responsibility for the countless decisions I have made to procrastinate on work that I am fully capable of doing in the face of crippling anxiety. I will be making different decisions going forward; I no longer have a choice. 

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